so little faith

Trust. One simple word, one syllable, five letters. The problem is what's in the middle - u. It's so easy to say, and yet so hard to follow through. In fact, I trust my life entirely to inanimate objects without thinking or even second guessing myself more often than in the hands of He who created me. I get in my car every day, enter buildings, sleep in my bed. Do I ever wonder if the car will not safely transport me, if the building will not collapse as I enter, if the bed will hold me securely for the six-plus hours I spend unconsciously resting? No, I don't think about it. I trust them unconditionally. And yet, when it's time to take action and make life-altering decisions, I don't necessarily give control over to He who knows how many hairs I lost today and how many still remain. Unbelievable. I really should know better.

While reading the wonderful story of how Daniel was saved from the lion's den, a story so well-known and beloved by Christian children everywhere, I came across a character that reminded me of myself. I wish I could say it is Daniel, who was faithful in His daily communion with God. No, it's the king of Medo-Persia with whom I related so well. You see, the king, after he was tricked into signing this decree that played upon his big ego and he realized that his best governor was going to fall prey to this silly law, made a comment to Daniel as Daniel was being taken to the lion's den. He said, "Your God, whom you serve continually, He will deliver you." Wow, that is substantially powerful. This mighty king acknowledged Daniel's faithful trust in a God that saves His people. He simply and emphatically stated this, not as a question, or a plea, or to make himself feel better about what he had done to put Daniel's life in jeopardy. He knew Daniel's God would save him. But this is where his story turns into my life story. The king knows God will save Daniel. He, I'm sure, had heard about Daniel's friends and how God saved them from that fiery furnace years ago. And what does the king do? He goes home and he paces, he worries, he's somber, he removes all joy from his life - no music or mistrals or food, no sleep. Instead of rejoicing in the miracle that is about to take place, instead of facing the lion's den head-on with his friend, the king doubts what God can do. Exactly what I do. I am the king on the night when Daniel was just a teasing aroma of a meal for those hungry felines. I worry, I loose sleep, I don't eat, I'm somber, I remove myself from the presence of those who bring me joy. Meanwhile, there is God, working away at that miracle that I knew He would perform, but doubted that He would take the time to serve.

And in the morning, I run to God, "Did you perform the miracle? Can it be true?" So little faith. Such little faith.

Struggles

A butterfly cannot be a butterfly unless it struggles out of its cocoon. The struggle empowers the butterfly by allowing the fluid from its body move to the wings. And then the newly transformed creature can take flight. I heard this story during children's time at church today and it struck a chord with me. A dissonant chord. Not the part about the struggle. I understand that. All my life I've heard and experienced firsthand that struggles make you stronger, that God is with me as I struggle. And even though I may not see the value in the pain, somehow I always have a story to share of His goodness. After it's all said and done, I come to understand the why, the reason, the bigger plan. What I cannot come to terms with is how do I pray while I'm in my coccoon, awaiting, struggling for my transformation, my miracle? Am I being selfish in asking specifically for something I really want? Praying for His will to be done can conflict with what I want. I know that. Not now... not at all... in His time... you'll see... there's a part of the picture I cannot see right now.

Bring all your cares... Seek and you will find... Knock and it will be opened... I don't know how. His will or my specific request? Should I ask specifically and pour my heart out?

Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment. And the mechanism of self-preservation, of protecting my heart from ache kicks in and I start asking questions and doubting.

Faith. I need it in great measure.

my destiny

i may not be destined for greatness
and that's okay with me.
my decision today is to follow my Creator,
and in doing so i will fulfill my destiny.
that decision just took my destiny from
mediocre to awesome.
now to experience the journey that will take me there.

the novice

Outside my comfort zone - that could be the theme for my student teaching experience. For so long, I have been somewhat of an expert at my work, answering questions and giving advice as if I am indeed a world renown specialist. But for the last four weeks I have been operating in a world where I am a novice, the intern, an apprentice, starting all over. Humbling myself to depend on someone else for wisdom and expertise is not the challenge for me - I am a forever student and I truly enjoy learning from those who are knowledgeable and wise. The perfectionist in me is who is struggling. I want everything I touch to be the best. I want to be the best student teacher ever to grace the wooden floors of Pine Street School. But alas, I am learning a new trade and the thousands of pages of instructional strategies I have read and poured over in classes for the last five years will not make me a teacher. Only time, experience, mistakes, and a humble attitude will hone these rough edges and make me the expert I long to become.

What has really stood out for me these last few weeks into this new adventure? I am learning that to redirect is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of growth. To admit that this is not working is a sign of strength and will reap respect. I may not be the best (right now). But I am the most malleable.

What I Started

"Finish what you started" has been my mantra for most of my life. You can say I'm tenacious, determined and as uneloquent as it may sound, pig-headed. I complete my life goals, regardless of time and obstacles. For some reason, God has played with this character trait of mine and has led me down paths that have worked in my favor. Actually, it's not just some reason - it's His master plan at work.

And so this leads me to my newest life adventure - student teaching. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I started this teaching journey over 15 years ago, back when I had just completed my first anniversary here in what I now consider home, Spartanburg, South Carolina. I enrolled at Converse College, seeking an initial certification in teaching with a master's degree. I chose high school chemistry. But after a year into the program, the timeframe and classes were not aligning with my new job at BMW and my life events. So I quit. Fast forward 6 years later, I felt impressed to rethink my pursuit of a teaching career, after feeling quite stagnant and unchallenged with my current career. And so as salmon swims upstream in pursuit of leaving a legacy, I went back to school and this time aligned my goals with my personality and skills. I changed my major from High School Chemistry to Elementary education. And I went full force with my new goals, successfully completing class after class, and savoring the environment, the discussions, theories and strategies I was being taught.

This week has been the beginning of the end: my last semester. I took a semester off from work to complete my student teaching. It's truly a step in faith for me. I wholeheartedly enjoy my career at BMW now, and really there's no need for me to pursue this educational path I had chosen fifteen years ago. But I always finish what I've started, and there's a reason my heart was moved to pursue this dream. And there's a reason my current employer made it possible for me to be here. And so I will give it my all, soaking the experiences and making new friends along the way, because God has a plan and it definitely involves me.