When Fina was forty...

Lately I've wondered what my mom was like when she was my age. The thing is that I remember when she was this age. When Fina was forty, she left behind a town full of old friends and relatives and ventured into the jungle of dreams and fortune that Florida offered. My parents, my 12 year old brother, and I, at the wise age of 17, packed up a huge truck with all of our belongings, said good bye to the ghetto, travelled over 1000 miles so that for the first time ever, we could be homeowners, proud of the accomplishment that blood, sweat, and lots of tear had gotten us. Decades of hard work had finally paid off. We left our heavy coats behind, a lifetime of friends, and countless memories to begin a new life full of dreams and adventure. Fina was forty then. I am forty now. She had two children, almost grown (I swore I already was), first time homeowner, and wife for 18 years. That was pretty much it. Doesn't seem much, but she had a good life and was happy.

I am 40 now. I have no children, been a wife for 16 years, a homeowner for 10 years, have an extensive college education, a decent job, and have travelled some of the world. I don't know if I can pack up and move far away like she did, but if it's in God's plan, I hope I would be okay with that. Do I have the same level of contentment that she had when she was forty? I don't think so. I think I question more and therefore I am much more restless. I long for simpleness but complicated is all I know. My mom doesn't question God's will for her, she just goes with the flow. I, on the other hand, need to know why and when and where and how. Too impatient, too controlling.

Fina just turned 64. She is older and wiser. She still lives in that same house we moved into 24 years ago, and has made another lifetime of friends and countless memories since then. I hope I've reached her level of accomplishments and contentment when I turn 64. And I hope she's around so we can laugh and talk about it all. Just like we do now.

Psalm

As I get older and experience life's realities, I appreciate more how David the Psalmist expressed his joys and sorrows. He wrote from his wrenching gut; his anguish spilling over the parchment as he wrestled with God. He marveled and cried, he sang and danced, he pulled his hair and ripped his clothes and wept. He was a maniac, emotions swinging left and right as a crazed pendulum; jumping from fear and anger to disbelief and awe. And yet he connected with God in a very personal, public way. I can relate to all his emotions, I've experienced so many in the last 6 months of my life. Grant it, I'm not physically persecuted by my enemies, but I do feel as though the enemy is pursuing me, my family, my home, trying to close in on me and bring me down. I wrestle with God: show me, help me and yet I know His will requires action. But which way, where? How do I know? How did David know? As I rummage through the corners of my heart, I listen.

My Lord, You long to be my Protector and Provider to my every need.
Trust me, You say.
Don't get so caught up with what's important to those around you.
I argue that my plans are quite ordinary. They are simple. I don't ask for much.
But you can't see, He answers,
That My vision for you is beyond the imaginable.
It's not that you will be famous or well-known or well-liked.
Your achievements are not to be measured by human standards,
That is not how I work.
My plan requires for you to wholly and completely submit yourself to Me,
Because I know your full potential.
And because only I can convert your potential into actuality.
Release your fears to me.
Include me in your every decision.
Consult Me. Talk to Me. Cry to Me. Shake your fists at Me.
I will not let you down.
I will teach you how to accept My will.
And the fulfillment of My plan will be your destiny.
Trust.