Ever notice that when someone exclaims "God answered my prayers!" it's usually because the prayer was answered in the way that that person wanted it answered? Seldom do we hear "It's totally opposite of what I wanted, but God answered my prayer." "Praise God, I wasn't healed!" or "To God be the glory, my life is falling apart!" When I watch the news about a catastrophic event where lives were lost and innocents suffered, and I hear that one particular person exclaiming their adoration for God because she survived, I wonder how many family members of the non-survivors are praising God at that same moment. It seems somewhat unkind to say "I’ll pray for you, not for what you want, but for what God wants for you". Are you ready to receive the blessing, even if in reverse? Am I expecting a miracle because I claimed a promise? What if I suspect that God’s response is the one that I don’t want and so I keep the problem and try to handle it myself? Where is faith in all of this?
I strongly believe there are consequences to our actions that we must pay. There is a thing called mercy and grace, and it does abound. But I’m such a realistic, black-n-white kind of person, that sometimes mercy and grace become lost in the deserved penalty. Recently I had two personal episodes, both related, that made me question my superwoman abilities. I try so hard to hold it together, in private and especially in public. In my profession, my job is to point out things people are doing wrong. And so when I show signs of weakness or normality, it’s devastating. Too much pressure for a simple, want-to-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. And so to counter my apparent perfection, I do stupid things. Twice in one month this time.
My heart sank through my stomach and I lost it. Sobbing. I’m such a failure. Should I pray about it? Why would God want to hear me? Perhaps my human nature is what keeps me from believing that God has enough time to help me with what weighs heavy in my heart? Why should I bother Him with such insignificant problems that stem from the root of my carelessness, my pride? Surely He’s got better things to do, people to heal (or not), children to feed, nations at war, empty hearts starving for love and acceptance… I meditate on His beautiful miracle of deliverance from my sin and wonder why He would consider my speck of worry and trouble? Is it because my heart is heavy and my soul is troubled? Perhaps He knows how much a positive outcome to my foolishness would mean to me. And there’s that thing called mercy and grace that He seems to be so good at. This state I'm in is because of my own doing, stupidity in its most educated form, carelessness, pride – I don’t deserve deliverance, but I long for it.
And so my prayers were answered. The answer was not a positive outcome. There were consequences that I had to pay for my actions. But I needed deliverance from something bigger than consequence – I needed deliverance from myself – my self, that self that gets me in trouble every time, the self that is the beginning part of selfish. I prayed that I would accept, with a joyful heart, whatever outcome God declared was the best for my growth and journey with Him. I grew and I continue to journey. At peace. A prayer answered.
