"Who touched me?" He asked. It seemed like a ludicrous question, especially since the crowd was thick and pressing. But it was a different type of touch. Her faith was revealed as she simply reached for the hem of His robe and gave it her last shot at complete healing. And her faith was rewarded. No words were spoken, but her life was forever transformed because her hand reached out to God.
Hands are amazing instruments. They can express emotions louder than words: screaming anger, whispering comfort, silently crying, or writhing in pain. With my hands I can tell you that I love you, by hugging you when you're in need of a friend. Or by cooking you a meal when you're down and out, writing a message with encouraging words, giving you a high-five when you've jumped a hurdle. Putting my hands together, I can pray for you, asking the Lord to cover you with His peace.
With my hands folded under my cheek, I sleep peacefully at night, surrendering my fragility to His care and resting in the hope of tomorrow. With my hands, I reach up and let You lift me, pulling me from depression and sluggish surroundings. With my hands I plead my case, knowing that you have already saved me, justified me, and what I'm experiencing is just part of the process of sanctification.
I wonder what my hands will look like in heaven. No more sickness, pain, and sin. My hands no longer pleading, instead relishing eternal love.
sábado, agosto 14, 2010
jueves, julio 22, 2010
Dejected
There are two rules I try to follow when I write and it spills over into how I try to live my life. Number one, don't start a sentence with the word "I". Number two, make the message as positive as possible, even if it means rewriting and it takes twice as long to draw it out of my heart. Applying these rules to my life means that I try to not talk so much about me, about what's going on in Joy's world, but more about how Joy is interested in what you have to say and what you're involved in. What makes you tick. Every time we connect, it would be so awesome if when we parted ways, you would feel so uplifted that your problems would bring on a different perspective and life would seem just a tad better.
I want to break my rules today. I need to talk about me and how my heart is hurting and feels empty. I'm always looking for the approval and friendship of everyone around me and so I don't take rejection well. The enemy knows this and is using it as his weapon of choice. So much hurt and chaos abounds and it's dragging my spirit, clawing at my heart, infiltrating my thoughts. My mind spins when I sleep. Questions. Distance. I want to solve problems and make everything better. Even now I don't say how I really feel. If I did you wouldn't recognize the author. Expletives, doubt, fear, loneliness. How could someone so full feel so empty? I know the solution but there...is...no...energy...left...
I want to break my rules today. I need to talk about me and how my heart is hurting and feels empty. I'm always looking for the approval and friendship of everyone around me and so I don't take rejection well. The enemy knows this and is using it as his weapon of choice. So much hurt and chaos abounds and it's dragging my spirit, clawing at my heart, infiltrating my thoughts. My mind spins when I sleep. Questions. Distance. I want to solve problems and make everything better. Even now I don't say how I really feel. If I did you wouldn't recognize the author. Expletives, doubt, fear, loneliness. How could someone so full feel so empty? I know the solution but there...is...no...energy...left...
sábado, abril 10, 2010
Plugging In
The mind is a lonely place for thoughts. Think about it. Unless they're transported through some medium such as art, music, writing, or just talking to your best friend, those thoughts are just stored up in our brain, taking up space that could be used up by... more thoughts! That's a problem I have. I think too much. And the older I get, the more I think. And since I'm getting older, I'm supposed to be getting wiser too, so that means my thoughts should be thoughts of wisdom, sense, and quiet strength. Not always the case, let me tell you.
So let me share my thoughts from today. I was not very proud of myself, because my thinking was heavy and sad. As beautiful as the day promised to be: Sabbath, spring in full swing, fellowship with friends, an energizing sermon- I unfortunately have not been nourishing my soul to help me dispel the loneliness that accompanies a person who is not connected to God. Though I have money in the bank, a beautiful brand-new roof over my head, a caring and loving husband, parents in great health, a well-paying job; I have health and education, freedom of speech and religion. Though I'm not too bad looking and funny & witty at times, that vacancy in my heart that I've filled with so much keeps opening up like a sink hole. The only thing I know that sticks in it is God. And God has been absent from my life for some time now. I get a little bit here and there - from a good sermon or 30 minutes of reading a week. But I have not been delving, pouring myself, ruminating. And it shows. My attitude stinks and I find no pleasure in what I do.
So instead of sulking over the emptiness that has taken a hold of my joy, I walked to the small park 2 blocks from my house. I grabbed a blanket, a book, some crocheting, and put together a playlist of encouraging songs to drown out the lovely sound of children screaming and having fun. :) And I wrote in a journal. I wrote things that I wouldn't tell anyone because I don't want to offend, because I don't want you to know how mean and stinky I can be. Except Kevin - he unfortunately gets the brunt of my bad attitude and tantrums. So he's already experienced some of what I wrote. But my thoughts - that's between me and God. But I will share this post today to keep me accountable. If I'm to bless and be blessed, I need to be fed. And that means not "drinking Diet Coke with a meal full of fat calories" as the preacher said today. It means plugging to God's Word daily and filling that void with His love so that when darkness and solitude and depression threatens my joy, I am connectedly full and able to dissipate the clouds of selfishness. I need to practice what I preach. Life as I know it, as good as it seems, will not always stay that way. And only those who have sought strength and experienced first-hand God's bounty and grace will be able to come out triumphant. Peaceful. Loving. Merciful. Caring. I want to be all those things.
I have challenged myself today, after spending the afternoon in the bliss of spring and good music, and after turning inward and realizing that what I've seen, I don't like. I have challenged myself to pour some serious God-ness and fill that sinkhole for good. As much as I train my body to run long distances, I have a race that I'm currently running that requires some serious training. And this crazy junk food diet I'm on is not going to cut it.
Help me, Lord.
I'm calling out to you.
I can't do this alone.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
So let me share my thoughts from today. I was not very proud of myself, because my thinking was heavy and sad. As beautiful as the day promised to be: Sabbath, spring in full swing, fellowship with friends, an energizing sermon- I unfortunately have not been nourishing my soul to help me dispel the loneliness that accompanies a person who is not connected to God. Though I have money in the bank, a beautiful brand-new roof over my head, a caring and loving husband, parents in great health, a well-paying job; I have health and education, freedom of speech and religion. Though I'm not too bad looking and funny & witty at times, that vacancy in my heart that I've filled with so much keeps opening up like a sink hole. The only thing I know that sticks in it is God. And God has been absent from my life for some time now. I get a little bit here and there - from a good sermon or 30 minutes of reading a week. But I have not been delving, pouring myself, ruminating. And it shows. My attitude stinks and I find no pleasure in what I do.
So instead of sulking over the emptiness that has taken a hold of my joy, I walked to the small park 2 blocks from my house. I grabbed a blanket, a book, some crocheting, and put together a playlist of encouraging songs to drown out the lovely sound of children screaming and having fun. :) And I wrote in a journal. I wrote things that I wouldn't tell anyone because I don't want to offend, because I don't want you to know how mean and stinky I can be. Except Kevin - he unfortunately gets the brunt of my bad attitude and tantrums. So he's already experienced some of what I wrote. But my thoughts - that's between me and God. But I will share this post today to keep me accountable. If I'm to bless and be blessed, I need to be fed. And that means not "drinking Diet Coke with a meal full of fat calories" as the preacher said today. It means plugging to God's Word daily and filling that void with His love so that when darkness and solitude and depression threatens my joy, I am connectedly full and able to dissipate the clouds of selfishness. I need to practice what I preach. Life as I know it, as good as it seems, will not always stay that way. And only those who have sought strength and experienced first-hand God's bounty and grace will be able to come out triumphant. Peaceful. Loving. Merciful. Caring. I want to be all those things.
I have challenged myself today, after spending the afternoon in the bliss of spring and good music, and after turning inward and realizing that what I've seen, I don't like. I have challenged myself to pour some serious God-ness and fill that sinkhole for good. As much as I train my body to run long distances, I have a race that I'm currently running that requires some serious training. And this crazy junk food diet I'm on is not going to cut it.
Help me, Lord.
I'm calling out to you.
I can't do this alone.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
sábado, febrero 27, 2010
Traversing Through Thoughts
Four years have passed since I began writing and sharing with whomever has a few minutes to read my ramblings. Since then, so much has happened in my life. I've gone back and read all of my posts from this blog, gone through old pictures from my childhood, and even read the first and only journal I've ever kept. There was this one poem that I wrote back when I was 19 years old. I was suffering from a broken heart (aka ego) and just turned those dark thoughts into a poem. A very bad poem. Hopefully I won't look back to this blog many years from now and think wow - what was I thinking?
The last few months, I've felt very melancholy and my thoughts have turned inward, hence the infrequent posts. I only have five months before the most monumental birthday I've ever had. Of course, every birthday is monumental. But this one ends with a zero. The last time this happened, I woke up in a foul mood that, thanks to my sweet hubby, turned heavenward. He surprised me with a parasailing trip in coastal South Carolina. I have never experienced peace like I did that morning sitting in that chair 300 feet in the air. The birds were singing, the water like diamonds, sparkling from the rays of sunshine, and I felt God's presence in my heart.
Almost 10 years later, I feel mature but mischievous. My face has new lines from smiling and thinking. My mind is more determined and my life is overfilled with activity. I have learned to treasure moments when the world stands still and I can hear God whisper, "Pssst. Over here. I love you. Let me show you something." And my kitty curls in my arms and I'm filled with peace. Or my ears tune out the traffic and I hear the breathless song of the wind on the treetops.
I am truly thankful for life and the opportunities I've been given. Not everyone has been so blessed. I've realized that more and more as I listen to those around me. And once again, my heart turns heavenward and I long for the day that peace reigns for eternity.
The last few months, I've felt very melancholy and my thoughts have turned inward, hence the infrequent posts. I only have five months before the most monumental birthday I've ever had. Of course, every birthday is monumental. But this one ends with a zero. The last time this happened, I woke up in a foul mood that, thanks to my sweet hubby, turned heavenward. He surprised me with a parasailing trip in coastal South Carolina. I have never experienced peace like I did that morning sitting in that chair 300 feet in the air. The birds were singing, the water like diamonds, sparkling from the rays of sunshine, and I felt God's presence in my heart.
Almost 10 years later, I feel mature but mischievous. My face has new lines from smiling and thinking. My mind is more determined and my life is overfilled with activity. I have learned to treasure moments when the world stands still and I can hear God whisper, "Pssst. Over here. I love you. Let me show you something." And my kitty curls in my arms and I'm filled with peace. Or my ears tune out the traffic and I hear the breathless song of the wind on the treetops.
I am truly thankful for life and the opportunities I've been given. Not everyone has been so blessed. I've realized that more and more as I listen to those around me. And once again, my heart turns heavenward and I long for the day that peace reigns for eternity.
My Way Was The Highway
The journey loops and a road is carved.
Seeking a destination, my heart travels through dreams in desperation.
The road is marked with signs and markers.
Turn here, slow down, yield.
Which way to follow, fast or most scenic?
Choosing a path filled with sunshine,
Smooth with straight roads, or so it seems.
Alas, there is no place to fuel.
Instead the signs point to an overgrown path
Too treacherous to follow.
Or so I think.
Wild and unkept, resembling my heart,
The path is filled with wonders,
Awesome but not frightening.
Fueled by trust, reliance, and amazement
at beauty that spills onto the road,
I realize that no longer am I driving.
Somewhere along the way,
That way which began as mine,
Down the highway of my life,
I chose a different path.
And that choice became my salvation,
The scenic route.
Seeking a destination, my heart travels through dreams in desperation.
The road is marked with signs and markers.
Turn here, slow down, yield.
Which way to follow, fast or most scenic?
Choosing a path filled with sunshine,
Smooth with straight roads, or so it seems.
Alas, there is no place to fuel.
Instead the signs point to an overgrown path
Too treacherous to follow.
Or so I think.
Wild and unkept, resembling my heart,
The path is filled with wonders,
Awesome but not frightening.
Fueled by trust, reliance, and amazement
at beauty that spills onto the road,
I realize that no longer am I driving.
Somewhere along the way,
That way which began as mine,
Down the highway of my life,
I chose a different path.
And that choice became my salvation,
The scenic route.
viernes, enero 15, 2010
True
True...
I am selfish, but I care. My world is important, but I am aware of your world and will do my best to make your world a better place, especially if I see you make an effort to improve.
True...
I believe in speaking my mind. But words cut to the core and must be chosen carefully. I'm not very good at choosing words when speaking. Writing is a different story.
True...
I believe in responsibility, in paying back what I owe. I respect your work and sacrifice, and because I value your efforts, I give it back.
True…
I believe in sacrifice - that sometimes I have to postpone my dreams for the sake of responsibility. Sacrifice means that in order to achieve a dream, I have to work hard to get there. Sometimes the beginning is the only place to start. A dream is a journey not a destination.
True...
I abhor those who shirk responsibility and disguise laziness with flattery and prose. Lip service and feigned interest are revealed in the presence of hard work and sincere effort, like the red in litmus paper dipped in acid.
True…
Happiness is temporary but joy comes from within. The things of this world, that which is material and destructible, will ultimately leave me an empty shell. The present is fleeting, the past is overwhelming, the future is daunting. The peace and joy that everyone is searching for is not found in anything. Peace and joy can only come from God.
True…
I have nothing. What I owe should be repaid. Because I love and respect you, I will repay you. In turn I will earn your respect and trust.
True…
The disdain I feel for those who leech, parasites that use others for a free ride, sometimes overtakes my thoughts and emotions, to the point where mercy and grace have been displaced from my heart. I do not want to become bitter and jaded. My desire to help the helpless has been tainted with suspicion and cynicism. I want to see the idealist who used to stare back at me in the mirror.
True…
My smile is real. God is the fountain for my joy. But my well is running dry…
True…
Being true to myself means caring for others, saying what I mean, being responsible, sacrificing and working hard for my dreams, not stepping over others as I journey through life, confronting my faults and weaknesses. I am an empty shell seeking to fill cavities and crevices that can only be infused with God’s love.
True…
When will I get it?
I am selfish, but I care. My world is important, but I am aware of your world and will do my best to make your world a better place, especially if I see you make an effort to improve.
True...
I believe in speaking my mind. But words cut to the core and must be chosen carefully. I'm not very good at choosing words when speaking. Writing is a different story.
True...
I believe in responsibility, in paying back what I owe. I respect your work and sacrifice, and because I value your efforts, I give it back.
True…
I believe in sacrifice - that sometimes I have to postpone my dreams for the sake of responsibility. Sacrifice means that in order to achieve a dream, I have to work hard to get there. Sometimes the beginning is the only place to start. A dream is a journey not a destination.
True...
I abhor those who shirk responsibility and disguise laziness with flattery and prose. Lip service and feigned interest are revealed in the presence of hard work and sincere effort, like the red in litmus paper dipped in acid.
True…
Happiness is temporary but joy comes from within. The things of this world, that which is material and destructible, will ultimately leave me an empty shell. The present is fleeting, the past is overwhelming, the future is daunting. The peace and joy that everyone is searching for is not found in anything. Peace and joy can only come from God.
True…
I have nothing. What I owe should be repaid. Because I love and respect you, I will repay you. In turn I will earn your respect and trust.
True…
The disdain I feel for those who leech, parasites that use others for a free ride, sometimes overtakes my thoughts and emotions, to the point where mercy and grace have been displaced from my heart. I do not want to become bitter and jaded. My desire to help the helpless has been tainted with suspicion and cynicism. I want to see the idealist who used to stare back at me in the mirror.
True…
My smile is real. God is the fountain for my joy. But my well is running dry…
True…
Being true to myself means caring for others, saying what I mean, being responsible, sacrificing and working hard for my dreams, not stepping over others as I journey through life, confronting my faults and weaknesses. I am an empty shell seeking to fill cavities and crevices that can only be infused with God’s love.
True…
When will I get it?
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