Nothing to write about, no intense words to share, but I still feel a burden in my heart to pen a phrase or two. Every once in a while I feel the need to evaluate my life and accomplishments; not necessarily at the end of the year like most people do. And I’m coming up a little empty lately. Living from deadline to deadline, timelines, project gateways, due dates- is that how my life is defined now? I remember someone using the illustration about not remembering every single meal his wife prepared in the 30-plus years of their marriage, but he was strongly assured that they were deliciously nutritious because he was healthy, nourished, and happy. I try to apply that lesson to my life and wonder if I am leading a fulfilled life, even though I can't remember many extraordinary events besides big ones like my baptism and wedding (which actually were 2 weeks apart!)
Speaking of extraordinary events, I’ve had a horde of friends and acquaintances announce pregnancies and have babies in the last 12 months. I wonder if this has anything to do with my restlessness. Yeah, that’s a good word. My state of mind is not centered around unfulfilled dreams or discontentment. It’s restlessness in my heart, an impatience if you will, similar to when a piece of clothing doesn’t quite sit well and for the whole day you feel disturbed. Maybe it’s because I’m 38 years old, a healthy and emotionally strong woman who has a nurturing and happy spirit and has decided that having children is not her thing. Nothing wrong with that, a lot of people tell me. But they still ask: why, when, how come? Why can’t I just be me without being compared to someone else? Even I am guilty of this – I compare myself to those who are having / have had babies all around me.
I can’t explain it – my biological clock doesn’t tick. I can hold and love a baby for hours, give him/her back to mommy and not feel the need that I have got to have one. And I’m good with kids – they like me and seek me out. So why this feeling of restlessness? It’s because I don’t like being told what to do and when to do it. Enjoy your moment, but don’t ask me why I don’t want to share in your moment. I’ll have my moment on my own terms, when I’m good and ready.
So let me bask in your pregnancy glow. I’ll go to your showers and ooh and ahh over the cute and sweet gifts. I’ll visit and hold your precious little baby, have him/her wrap their perfect little fingers around mine and kiss their soft skin. I’ll pray for you, for wisdom and patience and restful sleep. But don’t ask me why and when. Let me deal with my restlessness and come to terms with the plans God has for my life.
3 comentarios:
I feel like this a little, but in a different way. I REALLY want marriage and then babies (and in that order!)... and all of my female friends are married. And I keep thinking, "What's wrong with me that I'm not?" because I compare myself. But you know, as much as I want to be married, it's not time yet. And while I want kids, and not too far in the future, I don't want them NOW. I feel restlessness because I'm impatient. Because I see that others have exactly what I want... and I wonder why not me? How? When? Who?
Restlessness. Impatience. *sigh*
I love you Joy. Kids or no kids... I still love living life with you.
There is a different restlessness, the restlessness of having children who should be ready to leave the nest but don't. After years of being with my children and loving them, I wonder when they will move on and make their own lives.
My wife and I have had to make adjustments over the years to account for me marrying into Latino culture and her marrying into (North) American culture. Among the adjustments have been parenting style and expectations, both of and for the children as well as for ourselves. One of the biggest differences in expectations is when children will leave the home to make their own way in the wider world. Latinos tend to have their children in the home until later in their children's lives than Americans.
Our children are now twenty-five, twenty-one, and soon to be eighteen. I love them all dearly, but I am feeling a restlessness creeping into my life as I await their next steps. In the meantime, we continue to support them, and as they grow older, support becomes more burdensome. I feel they should contributing more to the household, but I'm torn because requiring them to help with expenses means prolonging their stay as they "save-up" to move on. A balance must be struck between requiring responsibility and helping them to find their way.
I am restless to get on with my own life. We had children early so that my wife and I would have the energy to raise our children while we were young and so that we could enjoy our lives together when our children have left us. In many ways I envy your position, Joy. It is, in some ways, easier to dismiss people when they indirectly call you selfish for not having children than to dismiss them when they try to guilt you into "thinking of the children" when you need to think of yourself and they are old enough to think for themselves.
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