Struggling with Mediocrity

What happens when you mix dreams of grandeur and success with the reality of mediocrity? What's the result? Frustration? Defeat? Deflated-ness?

For as long as I can remember I have always loved music. My dad put that love in my heart. He has a rich, baritone voice, and has great rhythm, an ear for harmony, definitely a born song leader. As a young man searching for purpose in life, he walked by a church and was enraptured by the melodies and chords from the hymns that were being sung. He had the church pianist teach him how to read music so he could improve his talent. When we moved back to NJ from Puerto Rico, one of the promises he made to me to ease the transition of leaving family and friends was piano lessons. I was so excited! He had dreams for me to learn how to play well enough, so I would accompany him at church, playing hymns and songs to praise God. That was to be my ministry in life.

I loved to sing too. That cute little voice we all have as a kid - slightly nasal but that brings so much joy to our families when we boldly burst into song. My dad organized a singing group when we moved back to NJ. For one of the songs they sang during concerts, he had my friends and I join the group and sing with the adult members. I was an alto, and he paired me up with the lead alto. I quickly learned my part, and proudly wore my navy skirt and white blouse. My outfit was complete with bobby socks, Mary Janes, and pigtails. I was ready to begin my singing career! Noelia, the lead alto, told my dad how well I sang and learned my part. I was so proud! I envisioned myself singing solos, playing my piano, captivating audiences. I was enroute to stardom for sure!

Then one day my dad brought home one of those tape recorders that play a cassette on one side and, with a microphone in hand, I could record my voice with the music of the original tape. How exciting - my very own recording studio. I remember pulling out one of my Amy Grant tapes. The song was "El Shaddai" and I belted all of my heart and soul into that song. I was positive I sang better than Amy did - I always did. I remember hitting the rewind button, and sitting in anticipation to hear my stellar voice float magically through the airwaves. I was my dad's daughter after all, music was in my blood and for sure that musical talent had infiltrated my very core. I listened to myself and thought "Oh no! I can't sing!! That sounds horrible!" It was nasal, kind of breathy. There was nothing special or magical, rich or enrapturing about my voice. It was quite ordinary, slightly below ordinary. Mediocre. My little ego deflated, I accepted the fact that this was not my talent. Perhaps it would be best to go downstairs and practice the piano more. With the piano, I could probably cross the line of mediocrity and have more of a chance to do better for myself.

I remember that first feeling of mediocrity so well, when I realized how not special I was. We always feed our children with comments and thoughts about how smart and beautiful, how intelligent and super they are. Then there's that point when we grow up a little and realize that we are not the center of the universe, and there are so many like us, around us, who are just like us, and even better than us!

I have always felt that I have a very special station in life, a purpose that is on the grand scale. I don't think I'm there yet and I keep on hitting bumps in the road that make me face my mediocrity. At work, at play, at home. Constantly I ask God to make me humble, because I also realize that whatever that special purpose is, it's to glorify Him and I need to remove myself from the equation. And so I come face to face with my mediocrity.