Sojourning in Mexico

Over two years ago, I was presented with a unique and adventurous proposition, to join a diverse  team of forward thinkers and move to Mexico. After much thought and prayer, God opened doors, windows, and every possible outlet in my world, Kevin and I packed up some of our belongings including our two cats and we began our trek across the border to the majestic country of Mexico. It was no easy task, the seven months while we were getting our affairs in order, filling out countless immigration forms, traveling back and forth working two positions with countless responsibilities, training my replacements, saying farewell to family and friends, wow - talk about whirlwind of activity, but alas we made it to the land of the snake hunting eagle. The challenges were and continue to be somewhat overwhelming at times, there has been weight gain, hair loss, tears, and lots of stress. But has it been rewarding? Oh hell yeah, it has. I won't bore you with details about my amazing team of colleagues and my students who have wormed their way into my heart. Instead I will share with you this amazing trip I started today, leaving the sanctuary of our apartment in San Luis Potosí and hitting the road at 7 am to explore a long list of cities and towns throughout the southern part of Mexico to the Yucatán for 14 days. So far we have encountered lots of traffic due to the holidays, but hopefully tomorrow I can share about Puebla, our first stop. I have fallen in love with this country, the nature around me, its  people and culture and my goal is to disparage any misconceptions about Mexico with my witty words and artistic photos. So buckle in and vámonos!!

realizations

wrapped up in my own existence, what i have and is not within my reach,
i question the reason for walking this earth, for breathing this air.
i see others follow the standard motions of life-
college, marriage, parenthood,
peppered with milestones and unexpected events.
i compare them to my own.
realizing that their blessings may not be mine,
i turn inward and feel sad.
'why' is such an unfair question,
unfair to God.
because who am i to ask
when i keep asking Him to lead.

He is patient, He is kind.
He is love.

so i give Him back my dreams,
my desires, my longings.
and i wait,
wait on Him to finish.
or maybe He hasn't even gotten started.
because all this time when i thought He was working,
He was simply waiting for me to surrender.

so here it is, Lord.
here's my heart, do as You will.
You, not i.

You are patient, You are kind.
You are Love.

so little faith

Trust. One simple word, one syllable, five letters. The problem is what's in the middle - u. It's so easy to say, and yet so hard to follow through. In fact, I trust my life entirely to inanimate objects without thinking or even second guessing myself more often than in the hands of He who created me. I get in my car every day, enter buildings, sleep in my bed. Do I ever wonder if the car will not safely transport me, if the building will not collapse as I enter, if the bed will hold me securely for the six-plus hours I spend unconsciously resting? No, I don't think about it. I trust them unconditionally. And yet, when it's time to take action and make life-altering decisions, I don't necessarily give control over to He who knows how many hairs I lost today and how many still remain. Unbelievable. I really should know better.

While reading the wonderful story of how Daniel was saved from the lion's den, a story so well-known and beloved by Christian children everywhere, I came across a character that reminded me of myself. I wish I could say it is Daniel, who was faithful in His daily communion with God. No, it's the king of Medo-Persia with whom I related so well. You see, the king, after he was tricked into signing this decree that played upon his big ego and he realized that his best governor was going to fall prey to this silly law, made a comment to Daniel as Daniel was being taken to the lion's den. He said, "Your God, whom you serve continually, He will deliver you." Wow, that is substantially powerful. This mighty king acknowledged Daniel's faithful trust in a God that saves His people. He simply and emphatically stated this, not as a question, or a plea, or to make himself feel better about what he had done to put Daniel's life in jeopardy. He knew Daniel's God would save him. But this is where his story turns into my life story. The king knows God will save Daniel. He, I'm sure, had heard about Daniel's friends and how God saved them from that fiery furnace years ago. And what does the king do? He goes home and he paces, he worries, he's somber, he removes all joy from his life - no music or mistrals or food, no sleep. Instead of rejoicing in the miracle that is about to take place, instead of facing the lion's den head-on with his friend, the king doubts what God can do. Exactly what I do. I am the king on the night when Daniel was just a teasing aroma of a meal for those hungry felines. I worry, I loose sleep, I don't eat, I'm somber, I remove myself from the presence of those who bring me joy. Meanwhile, there is God, working away at that miracle that I knew He would perform, but doubted that He would take the time to serve.

And in the morning, I run to God, "Did you perform the miracle? Can it be true?" So little faith. Such little faith.

Struggles

A butterfly cannot be a butterfly unless it struggles out of its cocoon. The struggle empowers the butterfly by allowing the fluid from its body move to the wings. And then the newly transformed creature can take flight. I heard this story during children's time at church today and it struck a chord with me. A dissonant chord. Not the part about the struggle. I understand that. All my life I've heard and experienced firsthand that struggles make you stronger, that God is with me as I struggle. And even though I may not see the value in the pain, somehow I always have a story to share of His goodness. After it's all said and done, I come to understand the why, the reason, the bigger plan. What I cannot come to terms with is how do I pray while I'm in my coccoon, awaiting, struggling for my transformation, my miracle? Am I being selfish in asking specifically for something I really want? Praying for His will to be done can conflict with what I want. I know that. Not now... not at all... in His time... you'll see... there's a part of the picture I cannot see right now.

Bring all your cares... Seek and you will find... Knock and it will be opened... I don't know how. His will or my specific request? Should I ask specifically and pour my heart out?

Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment. And the mechanism of self-preservation, of protecting my heart from ache kicks in and I start asking questions and doubting.

Faith. I need it in great measure.

my destiny

i may not be destined for greatness
and that's okay with me.
my decision today is to follow my Creator,
and in doing so i will fulfill my destiny.
that decision just took my destiny from
mediocre to awesome.
now to experience the journey that will take me there.

the novice

Outside my comfort zone - that could be the theme for my student teaching experience. For so long, I have been somewhat of an expert at my work, answering questions and giving advice as if I am indeed a world renown specialist. But for the last four weeks I have been operating in a world where I am a novice, the intern, an apprentice, starting all over. Humbling myself to depend on someone else for wisdom and expertise is not the challenge for me - I am a forever student and I truly enjoy learning from those who are knowledgeable and wise. The perfectionist in me is who is struggling. I want everything I touch to be the best. I want to be the best student teacher ever to grace the wooden floors of Pine Street School. But alas, I am learning a new trade and the thousands of pages of instructional strategies I have read and poured over in classes for the last five years will not make me a teacher. Only time, experience, mistakes, and a humble attitude will hone these rough edges and make me the expert I long to become.

What has really stood out for me these last few weeks into this new adventure? I am learning that to redirect is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of growth. To admit that this is not working is a sign of strength and will reap respect. I may not be the best (right now). But I am the most malleable.

What I Started

"Finish what you started" has been my mantra for most of my life. You can say I'm tenacious, determined and as uneloquent as it may sound, pig-headed. I complete my life goals, regardless of time and obstacles. For some reason, God has played with this character trait of mine and has led me down paths that have worked in my favor. Actually, it's not just some reason - it's His master plan at work.

And so this leads me to my newest life adventure - student teaching. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I started this teaching journey over 15 years ago, back when I had just completed my first anniversary here in what I now consider home, Spartanburg, South Carolina. I enrolled at Converse College, seeking an initial certification in teaching with a master's degree. I chose high school chemistry. But after a year into the program, the timeframe and classes were not aligning with my new job at BMW and my life events. So I quit. Fast forward 6 years later, I felt impressed to rethink my pursuit of a teaching career, after feeling quite stagnant and unchallenged with my current career. And so as salmon swims upstream in pursuit of leaving a legacy, I went back to school and this time aligned my goals with my personality and skills. I changed my major from High School Chemistry to Elementary education. And I went full force with my new goals, successfully completing class after class, and savoring the environment, the discussions, theories and strategies I was being taught.

This week has been the beginning of the end: my last semester. I took a semester off from work to complete my student teaching. It's truly a step in faith for me. I wholeheartedly enjoy my career at BMW now, and really there's no need for me to pursue this educational path I had chosen fifteen years ago. But I always finish what I've started, and there's a reason my heart was moved to pursue this dream. And there's a reason my current employer made it possible for me to be here. And so I will give it my all, soaking the experiences and making new friends along the way, because God has a plan and it definitely involves me.

New Beginnings

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

Yesterday I moved my work possessions from my old desk to my new work area. It was an event that had somewhat of a spiritual significance to me. As I combed my way through files, documents, office supplies, and other sundry items that I don't remember hoarding, I caught glimpses of my growth over the years spent in my department. And what can I say about myself for the last 12 years? Well, I think I care a lot about those who work with me and have worked for me. My employee files were filled with notes and events showing how much I planned for their professional development. My work files detailed the processes I created so that my succesor can take over without too much explaining. That made me happy.

And I love food. I have olive oil, many different kinds of tea, sugar, even flavored syrup in my desk. I have a whole little drawer full of side items to enhance my breakfast/lunch. That made me smile.

All throughout the week, I received texts, emails, cards, cupcakes, hugs and smiles, and goofy gifts from my colleagues as they expressed their sincere thoughts about our time together. I'm only moving across the office area, but I'm going to dearly miss the daily interactions, the cutting up and total loopiness that have made work seem less like work and more like fun. Teams like that take a while to develop, if at all. That made me feel nostalgic.

Affirmation that my decision is following in God's will for me came from my employees, as they expressed their gratitude for working with me and for me, reassuring me that I'm being fashioned for something else. I am honored to be shown such kindness and love. This makes me feel humbled.

Change comes at a price. I think I've gotten a great deal.

For such a time as this...

Eleven months ago was the last time I wrote in my blog, I'm ashamed to admit! Eleven months of challenges, some heartache, and lots of growing up. And no blog posts to document the adventure. Oh well, at least I have Facebook to look back on. :)

The mortality of life is so obvious to me now. Not that I've been faced with death or anything in the last 11 months, but I am so much more aware of how fragile we are, heartbeats away from non-existence. Aging fascinates me more. I watch others age. I take in other's physical attributes as they change over time and compare it to what's happening to my body and mind. I pray my body is kind to me as I get older.

Encountering crossroads has been my favorite habit this year. Life altering decisions keep popping up to the point that they just make me want to crawl back into bed and be 4 years old again. And still some decisions keep being put off. Maybe if I keep dragging my feet, it will be too late and life will continue down Humdrum Lane. But that's the coward's way of handling tough situations. And I'm no coward. And I don't live on Humdrum Lane.

So I took a leap of faith a few months ago. Unhappy with the lack of development and support in my small department, I applied for a position within my company that is right up my alley and away from what I've been doing for the last 12 years. And I was honored with an offer. The years of schooling, as diverse and long as they have been, was part of why I was considered for the position. If someone would have said to me 15 years ago that a Chemistry, accounting, and a teaching degree would land me as qualified to join a training and development team with a leading automotive manufacturer, I would have laughed in her face. But there's a reason for the round-about approach to my career. Every job I've had since I began my working career at the ripe-old age of 18, God has miraculously placed me. In retrospect, I can trace an invisible but firm hand lead me from company to company, team to team, city to city. And now, in 58 days I will join yet another team.

I pray that I make a difference here, not just in what I do for the company, but in how I do it and why I do it. My legacy will not be based on how many projects I successfully complete, but in how many lives I impact in a positive way, a Godly way. For who's not to say that I have been prepared all my life for such a time as this.

When Fina was forty...

Lately I've wondered what my mom was like when she was my age. The thing is that I remember when she was this age. When Fina was forty, she left behind a town full of old friends and relatives and ventured into the jungle of dreams and fortune that Florida offered. My parents, my 12 year old brother, and I, at the wise age of 17, packed up a huge truck with all of our belongings, said good bye to the ghetto, travelled over 1000 miles so that for the first time ever, we could be homeowners, proud of the accomplishment that blood, sweat, and lots of tear had gotten us. Decades of hard work had finally paid off. We left our heavy coats behind, a lifetime of friends, and countless memories to begin a new life full of dreams and adventure. Fina was forty then. I am forty now. She had two children, almost grown (I swore I already was), first time homeowner, and wife for 18 years. That was pretty much it. Doesn't seem much, but she had a good life and was happy.

I am 40 now. I have no children, been a wife for 16 years, a homeowner for 10 years, have an extensive college education, a decent job, and have travelled some of the world. I don't know if I can pack up and move far away like she did, but if it's in God's plan, I hope I would be okay with that. Do I have the same level of contentment that she had when she was forty? I don't think so. I think I question more and therefore I am much more restless. I long for simpleness but complicated is all I know. My mom doesn't question God's will for her, she just goes with the flow. I, on the other hand, need to know why and when and where and how. Too impatient, too controlling.

Fina just turned 64. She is older and wiser. She still lives in that same house we moved into 24 years ago, and has made another lifetime of friends and countless memories since then. I hope I've reached her level of accomplishments and contentment when I turn 64. And I hope she's around so we can laugh and talk about it all. Just like we do now.

Psalm

As I get older and experience life's realities, I appreciate more how David the Psalmist expressed his joys and sorrows. He wrote from his wrenching gut; his anguish spilling over the parchment as he wrestled with God. He marveled and cried, he sang and danced, he pulled his hair and ripped his clothes and wept. He was a maniac, emotions swinging left and right as a crazed pendulum; jumping from fear and anger to disbelief and awe. And yet he connected with God in a very personal, public way. I can relate to all his emotions, I've experienced so many in the last 6 months of my life. Grant it, I'm not physically persecuted by my enemies, but I do feel as though the enemy is pursuing me, my family, my home, trying to close in on me and bring me down. I wrestle with God: show me, help me and yet I know His will requires action. But which way, where? How do I know? How did David know? As I rummage through the corners of my heart, I listen.

My Lord, You long to be my Protector and Provider to my every need.
Trust me, You say.
Don't get so caught up with what's important to those around you.
I argue that my plans are quite ordinary. They are simple. I don't ask for much.
But you can't see, He answers,
That My vision for you is beyond the imaginable.
It's not that you will be famous or well-known or well-liked.
Your achievements are not to be measured by human standards,
That is not how I work.
My plan requires for you to wholly and completely submit yourself to Me,
Because I know your full potential.
And because only I can convert your potential into actuality.
Release your fears to me.
Include me in your every decision.
Consult Me. Talk to Me. Cry to Me. Shake your fists at Me.
I will not let you down.
I will teach you how to accept My will.
And the fulfillment of My plan will be your destiny.
Trust.

Hands

"Who touched me?" He asked. It seemed like a ludicrous question, especially since the crowd was thick and pressing. But it was a different type of touch. Her faith was revealed as she simply reached for the hem of His robe and gave it her last shot at complete healing. And her faith was rewarded. No words were spoken, but her life was forever transformed because her hand reached out to God.

Hands are amazing instruments. They can express emotions louder than words: screaming anger, whispering comfort, silently crying, or writhing in pain. With my hands I can tell you that I love you, by hugging you when you're in need of a friend. Or by cooking you a meal when you're down and out, writing a message with encouraging words, giving you a high-five when you've jumped a hurdle. Putting my hands together, I can pray for you, asking the Lord to cover you with His peace.

With my hands folded under my cheek, I sleep peacefully at night, surrendering my fragility to His care and resting in the hope of tomorrow. With my hands, I reach up and let You lift me, pulling me from depression and sluggish surroundings. With my hands I plead my case, knowing that you have already saved me, justified me, and what I'm experiencing is just part of the process of sanctification.

I wonder what my hands will look like in heaven. No more sickness, pain, and sin. My hands no longer pleading, instead relishing eternal love.

Dejected

There are two rules I try to follow when I write and it spills over into how I try to live my life. Number one, don't start a sentence with the word "I". Number two, make the message as positive as possible, even if it means rewriting and it takes twice as long to draw it out of my heart. Applying these rules to my life means that I try to not talk so much about me, about what's going on in Joy's world, but more about how Joy is interested in what you have to say and what you're involved in. What makes you tick. Every time we connect, it would be so awesome if when we parted ways, you would feel so uplifted that your problems would bring on a different perspective and life would seem just a tad better.

I want to break my rules today. I need to talk about me and how my heart is hurting and feels empty. I'm always looking for the approval and friendship of everyone around me and so I don't take rejection well. The enemy knows this and is using it as his weapon of choice. So much hurt and chaos abounds and it's dragging my spirit, clawing at my heart, infiltrating my thoughts. My mind spins when I sleep. Questions. Distance. I want to solve problems and make everything better. Even now I don't say how I really feel. If I did you wouldn't recognize the author. Expletives, doubt, fear, loneliness. How could someone so full feel so empty? I know the solution but there...is...no...energy...left...

Plugging In

The mind is a lonely place for thoughts. Think about it. Unless they're transported through some medium such as art, music, writing, or just talking to your best friend, those thoughts are just stored up in our brain, taking up space that could be used up by... more thoughts! That's a problem I have. I think too much. And the older I get, the more I think. And since I'm getting older, I'm supposed to be getting wiser too, so that means my thoughts should be thoughts of wisdom, sense, and quiet strength. Not always the case, let me tell you.

So let me share my thoughts from today. I was not very proud of myself, because my thinking was heavy and sad. As beautiful as the day promised to be: Sabbath, spring in full swing, fellowship with friends, an energizing sermon- I unfortunately have not been nourishing my soul to help me dispel the loneliness that accompanies a person who is not connected to God. Though I have money in the bank, a beautiful brand-new roof over my head, a caring and loving husband, parents in great health, a well-paying job; I have health and education, freedom of speech and religion. Though I'm not too bad looking and funny & witty at times, that vacancy in my heart that I've filled with so much keeps opening up like a sink hole. The only thing I know that sticks in it is God. And God has been absent from my life for some time now. I get a little bit here and there - from a good sermon or 30 minutes of reading a week. But I have not been delving, pouring myself, ruminating. And it shows. My attitude stinks and I find no pleasure in what I do.

So instead of sulking over the emptiness that has taken a hold of my joy, I walked to the small park 2 blocks from my house. I grabbed a blanket, a book, some crocheting, and put together a playlist of encouraging songs to drown out the lovely sound of children screaming and having fun. :) And I wrote in a journal. I wrote things that I wouldn't tell anyone because I don't want to offend, because I don't want you to know how mean and stinky I can be. Except Kevin - he unfortunately gets the brunt of my bad attitude and tantrums. So he's already experienced some of what I wrote. But my thoughts - that's between me and God. But I will share this post today to keep me accountable. If I'm to bless and be blessed, I need to be fed. And that means not "drinking Diet Coke with a meal full of fat calories" as the preacher said today. It means plugging to God's Word daily and filling that void with His love so that when darkness and solitude and depression threatens my joy, I am connectedly full and able to dissipate the clouds of selfishness. I need to practice what I preach. Life as I know it, as good as it seems, will not always stay that way. And only those who have sought strength and experienced first-hand God's bounty and grace will be able to come out triumphant. Peaceful. Loving. Merciful. Caring. I want to be all those things.

I have challenged myself today, after spending the afternoon in the bliss of spring and good music, and after turning inward and realizing that what I've seen, I don't like. I have challenged myself to pour some serious God-ness and fill that sinkhole for good. As much as I train my body to run long distances, I have a race that I'm currently running that requires some serious training. And this crazy junk food diet I'm on is not going to cut it.

Help me, Lord.
I'm calling out to you.
I can't do this alone.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Traversing Through Thoughts

Four years have passed since I began writing and sharing with whomever has a few minutes to read my ramblings. Since then, so much has happened in my life. I've gone back and read all of my posts from this blog, gone through old pictures from my childhood, and even read the first and only journal I've ever kept. There was this one poem that I wrote back when I was 19 years old. I was suffering from a broken heart (aka ego) and just turned those dark thoughts into a poem. A very bad poem. Hopefully I won't look back to this blog many years from now and think wow - what was I thinking?

The last few months, I've felt very melancholy and my thoughts have turned inward, hence the infrequent posts. I only have five months before the most monumental birthday I've ever had. Of course, every birthday is monumental. But this one ends with a zero. The last time this happened, I woke up in a foul mood that, thanks to my sweet hubby, turned heavenward. He surprised me with a parasailing trip in coastal South Carolina. I have never experienced peace like I did that morning sitting in that chair 300 feet in the air. The birds were singing, the water like diamonds, sparkling from the rays of sunshine, and I felt God's presence in my heart.

Almost 10 years later, I feel mature but mischievous. My face has new lines from smiling and thinking. My mind is more determined and my life is overfilled with activity. I have learned to treasure moments when the world stands still and I can hear God whisper, "Pssst. Over here. I love you. Let me show you something." And my kitty curls in my arms and I'm filled with peace. Or my ears tune out the traffic and I hear the breathless song of the wind on the treetops.

I am truly thankful for life and the opportunities I've been given. Not everyone has been so blessed. I've realized that more and more as I listen to those around me. And once again, my heart turns heavenward and I long for the day that peace reigns for eternity.

My Way Was The Highway

The journey loops and a road is carved.
Seeking a destination, my heart travels through dreams in desperation.
The road is marked with signs and markers.
Turn here, slow down, yield.
Which way to follow, fast or most scenic?

Choosing a path filled with sunshine,
Smooth with straight roads, or so it seems.
Alas, there is no place to fuel.
Instead the signs point to an overgrown path
Too treacherous to follow.
Or so I think.

Wild and unkept, resembling my heart,
The path is filled with wonders,
Awesome but not frightening.
Fueled by trust, reliance, and amazement
at beauty that spills onto the road,
I realize that no longer am I driving.

Somewhere along the way,
That way which began as mine,
Down the highway of my life,
I chose a different path.
And that choice became my salvation,
The scenic route.

True

True...
I am selfish, but I care. My world is important, but I am aware of your world and will do my best to make your world a better place, especially if I see you make an effort to improve.
True...
I believe in speaking my mind. But words cut to the core and must be chosen carefully. I'm not very good at choosing words when speaking. Writing is a different story.
True...
I believe in responsibility, in paying back what I owe. I respect your work and sacrifice, and because I value your efforts, I give it back.
True…
I believe in sacrifice - that sometimes I have to postpone my dreams for the sake of responsibility. Sacrifice means that in order to achieve a dream, I have to work hard to get there. Sometimes the beginning is the only place to start. A dream is a journey not a destination.
True...
I abhor those who shirk responsibility and disguise laziness with flattery and prose. Lip service and feigned interest are revealed in the presence of hard work and sincere effort, like the red in litmus paper dipped in acid.
True…
Happiness is temporary but joy comes from within. The things of this world, that which is material and destructible, will ultimately leave me an empty shell. The present is fleeting, the past is overwhelming, the future is daunting. The peace and joy that everyone is searching for is not found in anything. Peace and joy can only come from God.
True…
I have nothing. What I owe should be repaid. Because I love and respect you, I will repay you. In turn I will earn your respect and trust.
True…
The disdain I feel for those who leech, parasites that use others for a free ride, sometimes overtakes my thoughts and emotions, to the point where mercy and grace have been displaced from my heart. I do not want to become bitter and jaded. My desire to help the helpless has been tainted with suspicion and cynicism. I want to see the idealist who used to stare back at me in the mirror.
True…
My smile is real. God is the fountain for my joy. But my well is running dry…
True…
Being true to myself means caring for others, saying what I mean, being responsible, sacrificing and working hard for my dreams, not stepping over others as I journey through life, confronting my faults and weaknesses. I am an empty shell seeking to fill cavities and crevices that can only be infused with God’s love.
True…
When will I get it?

Escape

A poem inspired by my sweet kitty, Tito, who enjoys to play with danger. He escapes, only to be sought with love and brought home again. Reminds me of how our Heavenly Father does the same with us.



Escape

A crack, the light, welcoming,
Curiously, to peek.
A chance to explore from what's confining,
To break free from what seems bleak.

Pry with determination,
The door suddenly ajar.
Racing towards the future,
The desire growing to reach afar.

The cold, the rain, the darkness
All greet loudly with a sneer.
The hope, the courage all soon falter
And long for what was dear.

The warmth, the familiar, softly tender,
In memory short and fleeting.
Fright in panic, a cry in parting,
The heart rapidly beating.

A coo, a whisper, hope returns;
Timidly the eyes meet.
A shiver, a step to leap,
The scoop in arms, the kiss so sweet.

When God answers prayers...

Ever notice that when someone exclaims "God answered my prayers!" it's usually because the prayer was answered in the way that that person wanted it answered? Seldom do we hear "It's totally opposite of what I wanted, but God answered my prayer." "Praise God, I wasn't healed!" or "To God be the glory, my life is falling apart!" When I watch the news about a catastrophic event where lives were lost and innocents suffered, and I hear that one particular person exclaiming their adoration for God because she survived, I wonder how many family members of the non-survivors are praising God at that same moment. It seems somewhat unkind to say "I’ll pray for you, not for what you want, but for what God wants for you". Are you ready to receive the blessing, even if in reverse? Am I expecting a miracle because I claimed a promise? What if I suspect that God’s response is the one that I don’t want and so I keep the problem and try to handle it myself? Where is faith in all of this?

I strongly believe there are consequences to our actions that we must pay. There is a thing called mercy and grace, and it does abound. But I’m such a realistic, black-n-white kind of person, that sometimes mercy and grace become lost in the deserved penalty. Recently I had two personal episodes, both related, that made me question my superwoman abilities. I try so hard to hold it together, in private and especially in public. In my profession, my job is to point out things people are doing wrong. And so when I show signs of weakness or normality, it’s devastating. Too much pressure for a simple, want-to-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. And so to counter my apparent perfection, I do stupid things. Twice in one month this time.

My heart sank through my stomach and I lost it. Sobbing. I’m such a failure. Should I pray about it? Why would God want to hear me? Perhaps my human nature is what keeps me from believing that God has enough time to help me with what weighs heavy in my heart? Why should I bother Him with such insignificant problems that stem from the root of my carelessness, my pride? Surely He’s got better things to do, people to heal (or not), children to feed, nations at war, empty hearts starving for love and acceptance… I meditate on His beautiful miracle of deliverance from my sin and wonder why He would consider my speck of worry and trouble? Is it because my heart is heavy and my soul is troubled? Perhaps He knows how much a positive outcome to my foolishness would mean to me. And there’s that thing called mercy and grace that He seems to be so good at. This state I'm in is because of my own doing, stupidity in its most educated form, carelessness, pride – I don’t deserve deliverance, but I long for it.

And so my prayers were answered. The answer was not a positive outcome. There were consequences that I had to pay for my actions. But I needed deliverance from something bigger than consequence – I needed deliverance from myself – my self, that self that gets me in trouble every time, the self that is the beginning part of selfish. I prayed that I would accept, with a joyful heart, whatever outcome God declared was the best for my growth and journey with Him. I grew and I continue to journey. At peace. A prayer answered.

Inspiration, apprehension, and me

"Tell two truths and one lie about you." That's how my professor began her class this past week. I was person #3 and had mere seconds to quickly come up with something interesting enough that would entice my fellow classmates to further explore my coolness, depth of thought and overall winning personality. I failed miserably, sounding totally vain and materialistic instead. I mentioned my cars, the number of colleges I've attended, and the number of years I've been married. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares that I get a new car every 5 months. Or that I've attended 6 colleges and universities. Smart and rich, which I'm really not, is how I came across. The other students had much more interesting things to say. One young lady was a child stroke survivor. Wow - it took her 6 months to learn how to use the right side of her body again. Another was a kindergarten teacher with 24 students. Another was a retired army paratrooper and had made over 50 jumps. Definitely people I would enjoy talking to and getting to know better.

So let me take another stab at this. Two truths and a lie. Okay, I think I'll skip the lie. Two truths about me that I would like to be known by. I enjoy having the sun caress my face. That's why I love convertibles, walking, running, and leisurely riding my bike. Sitting on a park bench, laying on the beach, walking on the sidewalk - are all activities that relax my mind and slow my heart. I commune with God the most when I'm outside. I don't have to necessarily be out in nature, just being outside is enough for me. And the second truth - I'm grateful for a second chance at life. I don't think about it as much as I used to, but after surviving that carbon monoxide accident from almost 4 years ago, life is precious to me. Not just my life, but my husband's, my brother's, my parents', my in-laws', my friends'. I value life and most importantly its Source.